We Moved

 After almost a decade in our first home, a 2 bedroom townhouse, we finally moved to a new place where we hope to be our forever home. 

I got pregnant in 2020 and baby #3 came in January 2021. We decided to sell our townhouse since we were set to renew our mortgage in July of 2021, and we needed a bigger space for our growing family. We prayed about it and after 7months in the market, 7 months of highs and lows, the Lord finally answered our prayers! Our house finally sold, and we were able to buy and move into a small cozy 3 bedroom home that's perfect for our young little family. The yard is gorgeous. We have mature trees. The house is updated and the only thing we needed to update was the basement. This home is an answered prayer, a blessing.

It has been 8 months now since we moved and I am stuck. I underestimated the stress! I have read somewhere that the two most stressful events in a person's life is adding a family member (by birth or adoption etc.) and moving. I just did both in 2020. The stress is now manifesting itself. I find myself not knowing how to live in this new house. I don't know how to start again. I am now realizing that my routines back then is not going to work anymore today. The structure I built does not fit in my new life anymore. The stress is real.

I am often running away to my iPhone to escape my responsibilities at home, only to face them later and feel even more burdened because of the guilt that I could have done more. I could have been more responsible, I could have finished  putting away the clean clothes that have been in waiting for me for 3 weeks already to be put away. I could have connected with my kids more after homeschooling. I could have unpacked and organized or purged a box. I could have made my home more homey so I don't see so much clutter. I could have spent a quiet time with the Lord instead of watching Youtube or scrolling social media. I could have worked out. All the guilt, all the could haves just weighs me down over and over and over. Well, at least my kids are fed, homeschool's done, and I got some gardening done which makes my heart happy. 

But the guilt and shame of my could-haves is weighing me down. I want to do more. I wanna be more. I wanna be a better version of myself again because I know I can. I know I am capable. I was able to do it before. I was able to rise above my Post Partum Depression and Anxiety. I was given all the tools. I want to rise above this. I want to overcome. But... but I don't. I really just want to do the bare minimum and survive. I just want to be selfish and lazy. I want to choose the easy way... the way that will lead to destruction. Nope, I don't want that. Romans 7:15 says "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." This verse could not be truer in my life now. Verse 17 goes on to say that It is sin living in me that does it.

It is sin living in me that does it. What do I do now? Well, I thank the Lord for giving me answers. I can't blame or point fingers to "wash my hands" and not be accountable. But I guess, like what a dear friend said to me last week, would I like parasites to live in my body causing illness, diseases, death? Or if I find that there are parasites in my guts, won't I take necessary medication to eliminate them? It is going to be uncomfortable but it has to be done. 

I want to resolve to not letting sin, parasites, live in me anymore. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and not a host for sin. I want to resolve to not giving my eyes, my hands, my mind, my heart, my feet, my mouth, to "Mr. Sin" to be used anymore. This is my prayer. By grace, the Lord promised I will be saved. In my Saviour's name, Yeshua/Jesus Messiah. May it be so.